(Spoiler alert: It’s your right-now body.)
Friends, there are so many good things about summer: vacations, spending time with family, ice cream. For those of you not living in Phoenix/places like Phoenix, you get lovely weather. Regardless, we’ve been living the season of shorts and swimsuits… which for so many of us can bring about a certain about of apprehension and insecurity.
For many people (yes women AND men), there is an onslaught of negative thoughts as we stand in our bathrooms before we head to the pool or the beach. It could be our less-than-flat tummies, or stretchmarks on our thighs, stomachs, breasts, butts, and/or underarms. Maybe it’s about acne, scars, or eczema all over our skin. Maybe it’s the way our body hair grows (on your legs, armpits, arms, hands, fingers, toes, chest, stomach, small of your back, face, pubic area, etc.) that makes it feel SO exhausting to have to try and shave it all. Maybe it’s your weight and all you can think about is those numbers on the scale. Maybe it’s about the size of your breasts, be they “too big” or “too small.” Or we feel like our thighs aren’t toned, and we can’t show people our cellulite or varicose veins. Whatever the reason (and let’s be honest, most of us have multiple reasons), putting on a swimsuit or even just a pair of shorts can feel incredibly vulnerable.
People may assume that because I’m small and petite, that I never worry about stuff like this. I promise you, I do. My freshman year of college, I struggled with an eating disorder and while I don’t actively starve myself like I used to, it takes years of work and recovery to learn to relate to yourself in a healthier way. I’m honestly still figuring it out and I think we all are.
It took me so long to realize that I absolutely had conditional acceptance for my body. I still have to battle that “If I weigh less, that’s always better and a better version of me” mentality. When I was at my heaviest about 3 years ago, it took A LOT of grace with myself to find the beauty of me in those pictures as well.
I will never be as thin as I was at 17 or 18, and quite frankly, I actually don’t want to be and I’m really grateful I can say that now. Because I’ve never been athletic, I’ve had a very complex relationship with working out and physical activity (especially when my autoimmune disease includes chronic pain & inflammation). Throw that all together, and there’s been a LOT of back and forth over the last decade as I’ve tried to figure out healthier ways to relate to myself. Lots of weight fluctuation. Lots of weeks where I ate healthy and worked out every day for a week or two, and then gave up. LOTS and LOTS of vulnerable moments where I had to confront what I thought I believed about myself with how I was actually feeling, and then figure out how I wanted to act based on what I wanted to believe. Some days I succeeded at that and some days I failed.
So yes, I have stretch marks too. I have days where I’d rather wear something baggier than tight fitting to hide my stomach. There are occasions I decide to wear jeans instead of shorts. Some of those days were this weekend. I stepped on the scale a few days ago and didn’t like the number I saw. I went to a party on Saturday with some of my husband’s engineer friends from college and I definitely changed into a looser-fitting shirt after I put on the cute tighter one and didn’t like how I looked. Then yesterday, we went to see my husband’s family to celebrate his brother & grandmother’s birthdays and I was still feeling not-so-cute, so I picked my tankini swimsuit top instead of my bikini swimsuit top. I even thought about not swimming at all. I could have chosen not to get in the water, could have said my period had just started and I didn’t feel good. But as I was packing to drive across town, I knew that even though I didn’t feel amazing about my body in the last few days and I didn’t feel like I could wear that bikini top that day, I didn’t want to miss out on moments with the people I loved and so I was going to put on a swimsuit anyways.
The party was great and actually my husband and I ended up being the last 2 people there, so we got to go swimming just with my brother & sister in law, as well as my niece and nephew. It was such a sweet time. 5 year old boys don’t care about stretch marks; they want to play with them and watch them as they show you their freestyle stroke. 3 year old girls don’t care if your stomach is flat; they want you to catch them as they jump off the side of the pool and into your arms. In the midst of all of that, I got to have a really sweet conversation with my sister-in-law about body image, about how hard it is for all of us and how we all are so hard on ourselves. We talked about wanting to continue to grow in this area and how we talk to ourselves so that we aren’t passing it down to the next generation. It was so good for my spirit to name where I was at, and be able to authentically connect with someone I loved (which is an antidote for shame!)
So next weekend, I’m going to the lake because memories with my family are more important than that pesky shame voice that tells me I’d look better in a swimsuit if I lost 5 pounds. With whatever summer you still have left (and let’s be honest, even if school has started for those of you here in Phoenix, it will still feel like summer for another couple months), I’m going to challenge you to show up and be present. Don’t miss out on fun & connection & memories because anxiety/fear/vulnerability got to name who you are for that day, and they told you that your body made you less worthy of being seen. When you stand in front of the mirror and the list of all the things you don’t like about your body pops up in your head, I’m going to challenge you to stop and take deep breath. Ask yourself why you’re feeling so critical of yourself. Let yourself sit in the vulnerability of asking those questions. And as you feel your feelings, still choose to list 3 things you LIKE about your body instead of hate. Write them on your mirror if you need to. I had my list on my mirror for YEARS.
I want to be able to celebrate my summer body, which is the body that I happen to have right now, no modifications. It’s not my thinnest body or body with the most defined abs or least amount of visible stretch marks. It’s not the body I spent months agonizing over, while I worked out too much and went on a diet and scolded myself constantly, so I could appear thinner for a few months and be “more attractive” to anyone who might see me.
It’s just me, showing up to my life right now. Even if the number on the scale isn’t the one I want (and to be honest, can we talk about healthy weight ranges instead of one specific number since fluctuating is NORMAL), I want to still celebrate that my body does so many amazing things every single day and it is a gift, one I have spend way too long taking for granted.
So say “yes” to fun, to loving yourself without conditions, and to freedom. Cheers!
Nicole Clifton 